Conviction

Hey World! 

It's me! I'm back! Yes, I know it's been forever. Yes, I've heard about how everyone's been waiting. No, I'm not going to promise to write every week anymore. I'm being real with myself now lol 

I'm excited to bring y'all this post though. Definitely my most transparent. Hopefully it'll speak to y'all like it's spoken to me. 

So lately James and I have been praying pretty heavy about marriage, preparation for marriage, the wedding, the honeymoon ;), all of that. One specific thing that was on my heart to pray about was that anything that needs to be brought to light before we get marriage so that we don’t take it into our marriage, let it be brought out. And boy has he been bringing stuff out…(LBS)

So a little while ago I had this dream that the Lord was speaking to me heavy about when I woke up... 

In the dream I was on some type of trip. Definitely in an unfamiliar place but there were lots of young people there, some I knew, some I didn’t. Like a retreat or camp or something. In particular there were 3 guys that were interested in me, all who I knew. The first was my boyfriend James, the second was my ex, and the last was an unidentifiable guy but I definitely knew him and he knew me.  So throughout the dream we’re doing a bunch of random stuff (as usual in dreams, right?) James is with me and so are a few friends. Towards the end of the dream, I ended up in a coffeeshop, James is with me (I never saw him in the dream but I know he’s there) and across the street are the other two guys. The random guy texted me “I love you so much” and when I get it I look across the street and see him longingly staring at me. Ladies, you know that stare that we all dream about (whether we admit it or not), making you feel like the most valued thing on earth. I then begin typing, like out of habit, “I love you too” but then I stop and I think to myself, I can’t do this…I need to make a decision between these three guys. James is unaware of any of this. So I’m sitting there, erase the message and begin contemplating...maybe a minute later I have a moment of clarity and say “What am I doing? There’s nothing to contemplate! I have my Boaz and I’m not doing anything to mess that up. He’s all I want, I don’t even know this other guy!” And that’s where my dream ended.

Oddly enough, although I knew my ex was there, I never really saw him in the dream. He was alway somewhere in the background. (mm, that's a message for someone).

So I woke up with a convicted heart. As I began searching my heart to figure out why, the Lord begin to show me that I have an unhealthy desire for male attention. Now, before y’all start judging, this is very much so a heart issue for me. There are different levels to this though. For some, it’s the clothing that you wear that reflects this desire, for others it’s the “friends” you hold onto, and for others it’s the thoughts you think. Now, when James is physically here, I am totally fine. My man gives me all the attention and loving I need and usually more. But with my hunny being a member of the United States Air Force, there are times we have to be apart and unconsciously, I begin to value outside male attention more than I should.

So let me just put myself out there and be real about my flaws. Here’s an example that I think will clarify what I’m talking about. So last night I attended an event here in Houston. Now, y’all know how “young professional” circles are. Everyone kind of knows everyone and for new people it can turn into blackpeoplemeet.com really easily. I’m pretty lowkey so to me I am one of those new people. It’s important to note that Howard taught me how to peep game really quickly, so I can easily tell when a guy is trying to be slick and it’s not very hard to notice when guys are noticing me. So, at the last event like this, one of my friends randomly comes and sits by me (note: I am wearing the diamond promise ring that James got me for Valentines day) and goes “Trece, where yo man at?” At the time James was still in tech school so I tell him, he’s in in training for the Airforce and all that jazz. Pretty sure he’s met James before but hey, whatever. So clearly, he was trying to get the details for a friend. Well, I thought I smashed that. In my heart though, I so was pleased by the attention and the effort that went into the failed attempt at pursuing - wait, let’s me be real - hollering at me.

So bringing it back to last night...a few of the same guys are there, a few that hadn’t been at that event but I remembered from ones before that. I notice these two guys looking at me and talking to each other. I ignore it (because I’m in a relationship) and keep going on with my night. Later on, the guy who invited the guys I just mentioned ends up next to me so he slides “So I noticed you have on a ring” into the conversation. He then asks “so are you…” and I just said yes. I didn’t know exactly what he was alluding to but unless he was asking if I was married the answer was yes lol so he goes “oh since when?” and again wasn’t sure what he was alluding to so I just said, it’s complicated lol (FacePalm, why didn’t I just explain the truth? I don’t understand myself sometimes). Anywho, by the end of the night, that’s what I was thinking about the most. Not the good food or being the champion of the games we played but that “I still got it.”

Now, by the world’s standards, I did absolutely nothing wrong. However, by God’s standards, I’m a hot mess. While I am fully aware that I am passionately loved by God and by my man, I still sought out, desired attention from other men. Why?

That’s when God brought it back to me...that third guy in my dream, was a representation of random male attention and in my dream I had to make a decision between my desire for that and my relationship with James. Now, for those who are saying, Trece, it’s not that deep. It is. As a woman who is preparing for marriage I need to mentally prepare to affair-proof my marriage. Having an unhealthy desire for other male attention that I see manifest when my man is away for just a weekend is a CLEAR sign of a breeding-ground for infidelity. What happens when I’m mad at him? When he goes on his week-long drill? If I have to travel for work? If the worse side of for better or for worse lasts longer than I want it to? I need to nip this in the bud now. So yes, I had to make a decision and sadly, even in my dream it wasn’t an immediate decision. What stood out to me most was that I had an instant, habitual reaction to just say I love you too. And honestly, in a very shallow definition of love, I did. I loved being appreciated, being longed for, feeling beautiful and special and although it was not a reciprocated love, I almost did reciprocate and out of habit at that. That says so much. How often do we just respond positively to male attention although we know it’s not good for us just because it makes us feel good about ourselves? That’s not healthy.

The man in my dream was alluring yet distant, familiar yet shallow. More of a figment of my imagination than a real person. That’s the thing, us women plan our whole lives stories with men we know NOTHING about. We meet them once or twice and then have imagined how great our relationship would be, how he proposed, and what your kids would look like. That is called lust my friend. It has been said that women cheat emotionally and men cheat physically in marriages. While I don’t think that’s true of everyone, in order for a women to open up herself physically, she needs some emotional support. Thanks to our pre-marital counseling, I know that my greatest emotional need is affection. Knowing that, I must guard myself from allowing other men, thoughts, ideas, or anything other than Jesus and James to meet that need for me.

So what am I going to do? How am I going to fix this? First, spend more time with Jesus. May sound cliche but that’s where we get our strength renewed and are able to see the truest reflection of ourselves (hot mess and all). Second, get my thoughts right.

“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” 2 Corinthians 5:10.

Now knowing that this is my issue, I now can recognize those thoughts and make a conscience effort to shut them down and replace them with what I know to be true. Third, be patient. I know that this will be a journey and I have to be okay with that in a way that’ll keep me pushing and taking a good, hard, look at myself while working towards perfection!

Now, what are you going to do? Taking that good, hard look at yourself is the first step. Once you realize you have a problem, you can work towards a solution. God is calling us to a greater reality. Let's not settle for the imaginary or ordinary.

Dang, that was deep. Hope it helped someone like it helped me. Love y’all! Meet up with y’all again next year! (JK, I’m going to do better...maybe lol)